Nope! Let’s stop making space for toxic positivity.

Contrary to the status quo, I scraped new year’s resolutions when I realised the pressure and potential shame it placed within me. It fed into my self sabotage, and I would shame myself for not reaching the goals set. Instead, I found myself exploring what these goals were about – historically, I had a bit of a complex of being a perfectionist and I have since learnt how to put that mask down and allow myself some grace to be human not superhuman. The truth is before I had even ‘achieved’ a goal, I was looking to the next one. Often, I would find myself aiming for the top of the mountain and yet what I have learnt since, is that the journey you find yourself on teaches you more than the destination. So go gentle with yourself, look how far you have got yourself to this very point in your life, you didn’t give up. Even on the darkest of days, you carried on, give yourself the credit you deserve.

Do not get me wrong, goals are motivational when they benefit our health and wellbeing as well enabling us to live as authentic lives as possible however they can also cross over to murky waters and become ways in which we set ourselves up to fail. Did you know it takes around 63 days to change a mental habit and yet many of us stop them after day 4.

Life is not about trying to make changes all at once, that is a lot of pressure. So I allowed myself to make space to approach my needs by breaking them down into manageable chunks day by day and on the days when I didn’t manage what I had set out to do, I would provide myself with some compassion and start again when I felt able to do so. The thing is we are all living proof of life and those paths we find ourselves on need us to offer ourselves some grace a long the way. Also, our needs change and that is ok, our directions in life change for a multiple of reasons which in turn means we need to go in another direction. Let’s face it life can be messy, its normal to fail at times and its normal to feel anxious, sad, scared; it’s been in these moments when I have learnt the most about myself and when I have felt able to change patterns of behaviour and taken bigger risks, I have not only expanded my comfort zone, I’ve also learnt how to create a more peaceful life that aligns with my wants and needs.  

I feel that failure is a learning opportunity; when I open my mind and allow myself to reflect on what happened, I have come away learning more about myself. When I have felt sad, unhappy, lost instead of sitting in the same behaviours, I have asked myself what is it that I need? What is not working for me right now? How is my body responding to what is happening in this moment? Instead of suppressing these feelings with positive affirmations and goals to be better, I am now trying to rescue myself. After all, I am my own hero, my home is within me not out there inside of other people who in theory could end up leaving me homeless. What’s great is that as we shine our own light, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same and it is within here that pouring into our own cup creates a domino effect to those around us.

It’s important to remember that we do not need fixing; we need to understand ourselves and be accepting of who we are. Learning how I have come to be who I am in therapy has been the most impactful journey I have ever been on. I wont sit here and say it was a walk in the park, far from it, meeting myself with the reflection of a mirror (when in all honesty I never was a fan of mirrors in the past), has been downright tough and even then I can’t describe what I had to wade through in order to grab the light however as the saying goes, the only way out is through. It is important to note though that even when we set out with good intention and as mentioned above, we really need to offer ourselves a lot more kindness. Kindness with boundaries is one of the many ways of finding that happiness we all very much deserve.

I also found that connecting with my inner child within therapy helped heal many areas of my own adverse trauma. Now I do need to offer a health warning in the sense that some of us have experienced adverse childhood trauma however, if you are familiar with this term and feel able to do so, have a look at completing the following.

Imagine this, an 8-year-old is sat down in front of you, they want to complete the Lego set they have received as a gift. After a short time, they are struggling with the instructions and they say to themselves, “I quit, I’m stupid, I knew I wouldn’t finish it”.

 How do you feel towards that 8-year-old? Is there anything you would feel you want to say in response?

Now think about how you talk to your adult self. Are there any similarities? If so, how would it feel to talk more gently and kindly to yourself. If that 8-year-old were met with kindness and compassion, would they feel more encouraged to finish the Lego set? Would they feel more able to ask for help? I wonder what your young self would have wanted and needed in that moment.

Unlike self-criticism which asks if you are good enough, self-compassion asks what is good for you? Have the criticisms you have placed upon yourself worked up until this point? If not, I wonder what would happen if you approved of yourself.

Allow yourself to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously and then see what ripples you create in your water.

Much love,

Ezzy